Me:  “Too bad I’m not made of money.”

Emily:  “But isn’t that what mom stands for?”

Me:  “If only…”

Filed under “things you don’t want to hear from someone looking through your dining room cabinet”:

“Oh look!  It’s my science experiment from 3 months ago!”

Today was the last day of school for our homeschool. It was also Shannon’s normal grocery shopping day. To celebrate, she was inspired to bring home a special surprise treat–Ultra Decadent Triple Chocolate Coated Ice Cream Bliss Bars (not their real name). After lunch, as teacher and students were all enjoying their treat, while practically humming a chorus of “mmmm”s and “yum”s…

Amanda: “I wonder if God eats these in heaven.”
Shannon: “In heaven, these would be good for you … and non-fattening … and free of guilt.”
Emily: “What guilt? I feel no guilt!”
Shannon: “I do. I’m not supposed to teach you to think chocolate is a good reward.”
Emily: “You didn’t teach us that … we already knew it!” (Adopting a regally haughty manner, complete with dismissive hand wave) “So, free yourself of guilt.”
Amanda: “And bring us more chocolate!”

These Ultra Decadence bars were so special there were only three in the box, leaving none for me. Discussing this:

Shannon: We have appreciated these as only the female of the species can. Since there are no more, we’ll have to do something special later that includes the Principal (Me – ed.).
Amanda: (Immediately) Dog pile!

Oh, great.

“Hey! Look at that camo truck!”
– Amanda, noticing a pick-up truck decorated in camouflage

“I’ve seen one like that in pink. It was terrible.”
– Emily

“What would that be good for? Hiding in an 8-year-old’s bedroom?”
– Amanda

“Nah. It’s for hunting unicorns.”
– Emily

“Okay. That makes sense.”
– Amanda

“I’ve wanted one of those for the longest time.” *sigh*
— Me, walking past a display of outdoor firepits

“Whatever for?”
— Shannon

“To have a fire out on the deck.”
— Me

“You can have a fire on the deck *now*… once.”
— Shannon

Daughter 1: “Why are boys so boyish?”

Daughter 2: “Duh. Because they’re boys.”

(both sigh)

Me:  “Well, look at it this way: the alternative is for them to be girlish.”

Both girls:  “EWWWWWW!”

” … and we have fireworks tonight!”
– Amanda, excitedly

“You’ll have smokey noise-makers tonight.”
– John, unexcitedly

“COLORFUL smokey noise-makers!”
– Amanda, unaffectedly

“Where does the General keep his armies?”
– John

“Up his sleevies!”
– Shannon

(…time passes…)

“Ohhhhhh! Ha ha.”
– Emily

(snicker, snicker, snicker)
– John & Shannon

“I’m tired. Leave me alone.”
– Emily

OH: “I get to do science in the bathroom today!”

I’m not entirely certain that I really want more details, but as the teacher, I suppose I should investigate.

(It turns out she was doing an experiment with light, and needed a room with no windows that she could make completely dark.  In our house, that’s the only room that works.)

When I’m late coming home (as I was yesterday), I often call Shannon from the car and tell her “Don’t pay the ransom! They let me go!”. Getting things wrapped up at the office before leaving for a week, I just called her to let her know I was still at work. Recognizing the situation by the phone number, she (instead of saying “Hello?”) immediately proclaimed, “I don’t have any money! You’ll have to escape!!”.

I love my wife.